The aim of this project is to build an archive of your stories, thoughts, and experiences of dealing with problem issues. The main purpose for such an archive might be to offer HOPE to other people facing and struggling with some of the same problems you may have struggled with.

If you are interested in contributing to this archive of HOPE, and offering something potentially quite valuable to others following in your footsteps, you might consider the following points to include in your contribution:
*What was the nature of the problem or issue you found yourself up dealing with?
*What would you want someone facing a similar issue, to know about your experience of dealing with the problem?
*What strategies helped you cope with, and move beyond the particular issue you were facing?

This project is a space for your stories and experiences. I have set it up this way to protect your anonymity, and allow you to speak freely. Please remain mindful of the main purpose which is to offer messages of HOPE to people who may be in need of support.

This site also provides the facility for providing feedback directly to John Bal about your experience of counselling. Your feedback is appreciated, but please be aware that your comments may not be displayed if they don't fit with the aims of this site, as stated above.

If you have any problems...you could send an e-mail.

OK, now its over to you.

Warm regards
John Bal
Under The Rainbow Counselling

Tim wrote:

A couple of months ago I went to counselling to help me cope with a relationship break-up that devastated me. I couldn't sleep, wasn't eating, couldn't concentrate at work, I was pretty much a wreck. My friends were sick of hearing how much I missed him (even though he had been cheating on me, and left me for someone else), so I thought counselling might help.
It was great to get support through counselling. I could tell my story without feeling like I was whinging all the time. Gradually I got to feel better and better and got back to normal. I kept going to counselling because then I started to look at what I was doing in all my relationships. Why did the same things keep happening over and over again? Why was I a magnet for bastards?
Through counselling I got to see how I was making choices about partners, and why they weren't the best choices for me. I was so desperate for a relationship I was agreeing to the first guy who was even slightly interested. I was picking all the duds.
These days I'm feeling much better, I'm feeling more positive about myself, and I don't miss my old boyfriend. In fact I'm so glad I'm not with him anymore. I can do better than that.
Tim

Robyn wrote a song:

STAY IN THE GAME

I'm feeling small against the cold
Blinded by the weight of old
That binds my feet and bruise my soul
And drowns the ways that I could go

I raise my self against the foe
Grasping on to those who've gone before
To find a bridge beneath it all
To brace my feet against the fall

I raise my hand into the game
Save my space and state my name
The feeble fight to start the climb
Rewrite the rules to make them mine

I raise my mind to wage a war
On doubts that cloud my inner core
One by one I brave their blow
And wait to end their bitter show

I raise my heart and then I find
What has been there all this time
Some strength inside is seeping through
To weave the way for what is true

Trevor wrote:

To begin with . . .
I was probably more in a state of not facing issues, but still knowing that there were issues to be dealt with. A General Practitioner I had not seen before put the suggestion that I attend counselling to me. It was her fresh perspective that showed me that maybe I needed to see a new counsellor.

I was in a state of mind at the time where, as much as possible, I was in the care of the professionals around me. I had relinquished control of my psychological care to others, that is, I stopped trying to repair my life myself, and let others be in control, without engaging my own opinions and judgements about the treatment. So, if they said, “go on a holiday”, I did; or “take medication”, I did. I tried to follow their instructions for better care as much as possible. This state of being came after years of being happy to attend therapy sessions, just to hear the sound of my voice rattle on about my miserable life but not really engaged in my own care.

So, naturally, when this doctor suggested that I attend counselling, I did. I thought, well, I am already in therapy; I am already on medication, what’s one more session a week. Nothing really. Maybe there were other perspectives to explore?
And that was particularly true. Psychotherapy (as opposed to counselling) only does by definition, what it sets out to do. It can be a bit dry. It invites you to speak about your feelings, but doesn’t give quite so many rewards, or interactions as counselling does. Psychotherapy also engages the nature of the depressive illness and seeks to give it a full voice, and that seemed to drive me deeper into it.

Counselling seemed to lift me out of depression at a far greater rate, as quickly as I desired, (and counselling had awakened a desire to move quite fast). I also wanted to be careful to watch out for 'false positives'. That is, those dreaded 'Ah Ha' moments, that didn’t really provide lasting results. It was important that the work in counselling, integrated into my day-to-day life, and didn’t only exist inside the consultation room.

What did I achieve in counselling?
I got to know myself a lot better. Not only in counselling but also through my day-to-day life. I could see my actions and reactions from a larger perspective. This meant I was more able to act in the moment and be done with it, and less likely to be reflective for days at a time because “things should have been different”.

The brief that I set for myself at the start of all this was to bring my alcohol consumption down to, shall we say, something a little more socially acceptable. Whilst I didn’t necessarily present with a 'full deck' of symptoms associated with alcoholism, (I still had a job, still had some functioning relationships, still had furniture in the house) I knew that there was still a problem, and the potential is still there even now. Once that problem started to be reined in and under more control, it was quite startling the things that came forward as a result! Alcohol was masking lots of other stuff.

It became clear that there were important values in my life that I had surrendered. And for the first time I asked myself: Why? I had let myself believe that circumstance drove these changes, or that I was just growing up, or that I was just moving with the times.
I now know that certain values should never have been let go so lightly.

My career as a computer programmer came to an end when the PC boom really took hold. And I let that whole part of my identity drift away. I was so devastated that I have been unable to reignite the passion for my work ever since. I never truly faced the reality of the devastation and more importantly, how not facing it had kept me miserable for an extended period (12 years approx). It undermined my job selection, I have been underselling myself, working for peanuts, and settling for second best.
Recently I have started some programming again, both at home and at work, and bringing something important and relevant back into my life. I know that I can’t expect to find a career like the one I had, but the wheels are turning again, and I am confident that it will form part of my future.

Similarly my music playing also stopped at the same time. It is still unclear to me now how or why I let both things go at the same time, but I suspect it was a quirk of the encroaching depressive illness. Once the destructive nature of depression gets started, it often times gets giddy with ‘its’ newfound power. In any case, I stopped playing the piano, sold my instrument, sold off whole sections of my record library; I also shut down the part of my psych that allowed me to enjoy that stuff.

I reasoned that my life was in distress because I didn’t have success, and that I didn’t have success because I didn’t have a clear identity. I saw success in others who seemed to pursue a single focus for their life. So I thought, "I can do that, only I'll do it much better!" So I systematically started shutting down aspects of my life that I thought were not compatible to my vision of a successful person, and invested all my energy into a single focus. All the dimensions and aspects of identity that go into making me who I am, got chucked out, in the pursuit of success. I was sure all I had to do was to align my identity to that one focus, and success would surely follow.

Unfortunately, success stayed as far away as it possibly could. It gave me a few little tastes, but that was it. But even worse than a lack of success, what was the cost? Perhaps, I'd left something important behind in this distorted quest for success. Now let me see, what was it...? Oh yes, …me!

I am now slowly starting to put all those little parts of my multi faceted identity back into place, where they truly belong. Recognising that I am the sum of all my experiences and all parts of my identity have value has been one of the most rewarding experiences of counselling. Now I know, if someone judges me for who they think I am, they are inevitably wrong. They will never know the whole story. If others engage the voice of judgement, is entirely their problem, not mine.

Will success find me, or will I find success? The question is less important now. I also know that monetary success is a fairly narrow pursuit. If I loved personal wealth to that degree, then I would already be fully engaged in achieving it. But I'm not. And there are many good reasons why that is so. Nowadays I can find success in everything I do.

But how does all this make me feel now?
Importantly, I am now better at accepting who I am and honouring my personal values and being proud of them. I feel much more at ease with myself than ever before. I feel a certain comfort in being able to honour my stories and my values. It matters more to me that I am comfortable and affirming of myself. And more than that, I feel a certain protection that comes from feeling much more self assured than ever before.
The following story captures some of the change. These days, if I’m in conversation and telling a story that I think is really important to share, and the other party changes the topic, I am no longer devastated. Now I know that they are the ones missing out through their thoughtlessness. It’s no longer my problem.
Marvellous!

Alan wrote:

Mmm, although counselling feels like the big “C” for many people, another way to look at Counselling is comfort, concern, consideration and correction of one’s approach to life.
Why did I go?
I had been deeply hurt by a friend; this was not the first time in my life. The more I gave or assisted people the more I was hurt. The last time I became agitated, deeply hurt, frightened and no longer sure of myself. I was withdrawing from my real friends and family. My health was being affected.
When you’re about to burst into tears all the time, or are so upset you’re unable to write your name, something is really wrong!

I was told to go to counselling by my ‘friend’, as I reacted badly to how they treated of me. The ‘friend’ had convinced me that my reaction was unreasonable, and so when I would get angry, I would beat myself up for reacting this way. However, then I came to understand that it was their behaviour that was unreasonable, not my reactions.

The first thing I did was to tell friends and family I was going to counselling and the reasons why. I found this a great help and not something to be ashamed of.
I listened to John, analyzed our discussions and feel I progressed rapidly by being totally honest. It is not that John told me how to react or behave; I had the power to listen and change.

With each session and John’s amazing recall from previous conversations, I was able to open many doors. I learned how I had been repeating a pattern from childhood. Throughout my years of being a child, teenager and as an adult I had been conditioned to believe that in order to have friends and to be loved you just give and give to other people.
The problem was, nothing was coming back to me from these people. I was allowing others to use me just by doing too much for them and not thinking of what I really wanted for myself. Counselling started a whole new approach to life.
With guidance from John I was able to make major shifts.
With counselling you receive a neutral positive approach to the problem, be it something you have to change in your life or figuring out why are you letting aspects of your life happen over and over. On the other hand family and friends will most likely take your side and tell you what you want to hear, but there is no growth in that.

Life is great now, everyone from friends and family to people at work have been commenting on how well I look.
Life is very positive and I’m so much happier. A quote from my sister sums it up, “You should be proud of what you have achieved” … “Please put yourself first and don’t let yourself get run down again”.

It helped me to see a naturopath as well. I also found Yoga briliant. John will certainly assist you on your path, but you also have to make changes to assist your own life.

Anthony wrote:

I've been seeing John for some time now and during this time I have learnt an enormous amount about myself!

If out of the many discussions I have had with John, I was to single out the most important lesson I have learnt, it would have to be how crucial it is to be true to oneself and to nurture and protect ones self esteem!

During my journey with John, friends would often approach me with their own issues; as I was gradually seeing myself more and more clearly and my life was becoming more balanced, I found myself telling friends that changing and bettering ones life 'actually is possible', if you are willing to put the time and effort into it. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen - you need to be prepared to give it time!

I initially approached John because I had (once again) developed feelings for a 'straight' man! (The can of worms was opened!)

This pattern of attraction and many other not so desirable patterns were of course the product of a less than healthy self-esteem.

Over time I discovered where a lot of my behaviours, my thinking patterns and my anger were stemming from - it is amazing to observe and make the connection between the way we conduct our lives and the reasons behind WHY we conduct our lives the way we do!

John and I identified a myriad of interactions with other people in my life that could probably have been handled differently; perhaps they could have been handled in a manner where I was not compromising myself (and my self esteem) for the sake of keeping others happy and approving of me!

Where was my anger coming from ? Why was I absolutely furious if the smallest thing did not go my way?
(I knew there had to be something more sinister at hand when I went crazy because I hadn't predicted the exact change I would require at the cash register BEFORE I left the house to go to the supermarket!)

Why did I break out into a sweat and quiver every time I had to deal with my parents?

Why did I have terrible problems dealing with any authority figures?

Why did I shut myself off from people and only allow people into my life that would further feed my low opinion of myself?

The list went on


..and on




.and on!

Through a lot of self-exploration and discussion we discovered many healthier and more constructive ways of dealing with people and approaching life's obstacles; We discussed alternative ways of thinking about events that have affected and shaped my life, both in the past and present.

I FINALLY REALISED THAT I COULD SHAPE MY LIFE INTO THE LIFE I WANTED AND THE PERSON I WANTED TO BE ! THROUGH PHYSICAL, SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL CHANGES IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY, COMFORTABLE AND AT PEACE IN YOUR OWN SKIN!

Chris wrote:

It took me forever to finally get myself to counselling. I was so worried about what a counsellor would think, but then that was part of the problem, I was getting too worried about what everyone thought about me. I'd been feeling depressed for months and the worse I felt, the more I got worried about what people thought about me, and wondering did they like me, and becoming more and more convinced they they couldn't possibly like me, because I didn't even like myself. I didn't want to think about, it and I didn't want to talk about it, but I couldn't just keep going like it was.
I can still remember walking out of my first counselling session and just thinking, well I took the first step, and it wasn't so bad. It wasn't until about the third or fourth sessiont thatI really started to get convinced that it really was going to change. It turned out that things changed a lot more than I expected. Although I'd been unhappy for months, I'd actually been carrying around loads of shit for years. The first real sign that things were shifting was when a friend pointed out that I was laughing, something I hadn't done in quite a while. With each session it became easier and easier to turn off the endless chatter in my head and get rid of all the negative thinking and crap and I just start to relax more. I started to feel more alive and more connected. I started to worry less about what other people thought about me and started liking more about myself. It was though a weight was lifted off, giving me more energy to do things.
When I look back now, all I can see is an awful black period that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and how it sucked the life right out of me. I've got a few ideas now about how to stay clear of it again in the future.
Hope it works out for you too.

I first saw John some years ago, recommended by a doctor. I found it really helpful to talk to him, and saw him on and off for a couple of years.
Almost 2 years ago now my relationship broke up and I needed help more than ever.
Despite the fact that my ex-partner and I were mostly very civil, I was still a complete mess when the relationship ended. We'd had a time of being in separate rooms at our rental property until the lease expired. All my friends commented how civilized and adult we were being about things. I was determined for us to still be friends - our 8 years together was not a mistake, nor a waste of time - the reality was that we were better as friends, not as a couple. In my head I was fine with this. But my emotions were another matter.

This is where some visits with John really helped. I came to see that I'd had a lifetime of over intellectualizing everything - of denying my emotions and then of avoiding situations that might cause pain. As we peeled back the layers I came to see that there'd been a history of this.

I grew up in a very Christian family, and with the firm belief that homosexuality was sin - it could not possibly be God's will. When I was younger the stuff I did with my dick with men didn't matter – I believed God would change me as it would be his will I'd be married with kids by the time I was thirty. But I realised that time and distance didn't change things - getting older didn't make me straight, and I'd travelled round the world a couple of times and still did things with men.

For a while it was simpler just to ignore the bits of my life I didn't like – “sorry God that won't happen again”. Prayer and faith will change me. I even went to a "how to be ex- Gay" course. This didn't work, and forced some big thinking about lots of things. I began accepting my sexuality and not long after met my partner.

Looking back, I think that I thought this would be enough. I'd done so much hard work in my life on so many things that surely God could just piss off and leave me alone. I'm gay - big deal. I've got a partner now so I can live happily ever after.

Having worked so hard to achieve ‘happily ever after’ I had overwhelming feelings of guilt when we broke up - I've let everybody down - my family, his family, our friends.

John helped me see that I'd had a world-view for many years that wasn’t allowing me to be happy. This world-view had me convinced that life just happens to you and you just accept it - whatever happens is God's plan. Within this world-view happiness is irrelevant

It was quite a process going over the things I'd done in my life that challenged this world-view - there were many instances where I had exercised choice, where I’d made choices for myself rather than leave it to God - I'd moved cities several times, for example.

I found conversations with John incredibly helpful - always challenging and encouraging, never judgmental.

Counselling became one of a variety of things that helped get me better. Medication helped also. Talking to friends and family did too, as did journalling and lots of reading. I'd especially recommend Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch and The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

John's helped me come to a much healthier view of the world (and myself) - what you're feeling and experiencing DOES matter. It's quite humbling - how many other people on the planet are there who are hurting also or experiencing similar situations or feelings to me? How did they get through? How do they cope day to day?

All big questions.
I feel like John's helped me rebuild the foundations of my life - what gets built on top now is fundamentally sturdier.
Thinking about getting help is a good start. Take the next step.